| it's late too late |
[Jan. 5th, 2008|03:00 am] |
| [ | music |
| | lover you should've come over - jeff buckley | ] |
i had fun in brooklyn no lie. but then i find myself in a manhatten bathroom and the tears are coming and i don't know what to do becuase it is 11:52 or some late time and i'm totally smashed and i'm totally heartbroken and i'm just total shit at that moment. and austin is sitting in the other room and althea is peeing in the subway and i am here in this place that i love and i just can't stop.
and i know i shouldn't; and i apoligize in grocery stores and i plead in cars and i plead in my bed and i say i'm sorry in bathrooms and i say i'm sorry on wooden floors but i say i hate you when i am with you.
becuase i know it is so stupid in the end. that i'm supposed to be the stone who feels nothing and cares only about herself and is arrogant with her nose in the air but you know what my father said to me today, he told me not to think so highly of myself. but how can i do that when i can laugh my way out of 250 euro fees on baggage and do what i want with a smile. because i'll never see them again, because they are in airports, in clubs, in airports and on dirty cobblestone streets. and they are dirty and unworthy. but that one is so close and has always been. becuase i think to myself i can get what i want but when i can't; my world shuts down. and i can't ever feel this way again, i refuse and i am never going to let myself out like this ever again. i can't. i just want to get a job in boston, where the transportation is easy an di can feel like i am ukraine and trick myself. i like tricking myself becuase then at the end of the night when it is dead dark and i am alone then i don't have to know that i am here alone and he is somewhere else with someon else who he has just met an di'm just here and i'm miserable but i have too much pride to show that i am untill now when i am up at 3 and i could care less about kate moss i could careless about him and him and him and him and him and him and every other asshole. and i don't want to go and i don't want him to go i have 0 photos, there are none and if there are they are torn somewhere in the crimea because i wanted to forget everything. and now i remember when my host mother told me that i shouldn't do that because you should have a memory, and it sounds stupid and it is ad truthfully i just want to forget it and erase it. but i'm breaking and i can't.
i just want to go back again. |
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| what am i supposed to say |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|12:24 am] |
before i left
"what if i fall in love with another there. how could someone say it once and say it again? i would like to think it is reserved for just one person. how can you have four loves in your life. maybe you can, i have never experienced more than one. i don't even know if i love him or if i just adore him or if i am not in love with him. i almost forgot, no matter how many times i smoke cigarettes or how many times i quit or how many languages i learn, i'm still just a teenager. i'm a girl who doesn't know if she is in love or if she is really leaving. i'd like to say i'd love him when i come back for at least an hour, and i'd like for him to love me forever. i'd also like to think alot of things but i can't think of anything siginifiagant or witty or symbolic or intelligent to write about at the moment"
i never use this. what can i say, all i had to do was talk to juliana about special brownies and getting smashed and i feel better. i'm scared for myself sometimes. that this is what makes it better. what am i suppose to say. i've been a complete and utter mess for this week, christamas vacation and i can't just sit here. i want him back i want myself back i want to be with him i want to go home this is my home and this is over.id idn't want him to leave, it has hit me. it is over and when i think about it my chest gets heavy and i start to cry and it is pathetic and it is lame and i hate looking at him with other girls and i don't want to and i wish he stayed over that night and i wish i could bring myself to kiss austin but i'm so hung up and i can't and i'm sick becuase i can't eat and i can't sleep.
althea tells me to go crazy. i tell althea she is crazy. she tells me to go crazy. i tell myself i can, but i know i can't. i've never felt like this before and i thought i never would. and i would do anything not to care and who knows maybe i still love him or maybe it is just that i'm so scared right now becuase i can't call him. and it sucks that i'm becoming older, something of a half adult where you have to make mathmatical descisions and allow for someone to leave. maybe it is i'm just scared that this is it, forever. he is going to find a girl, he may fall in love and that is the way things happen. i'm so scared. i don't want it to be like this. i feel miserable. i just didn't want him to leave. and he left. and he is gone with some girl. with some girl that he doesn't know. with some girl that wants a guy and wants to be loved and is just there. some girl that he cares about
and i want to throw up. and i want to just go back to ukraine and sit on a beach and dance untill i can't move.
and i don't even want to kiss and i don't even want to watch movies and i don't want to.
and i want to throw up. and i want him. and i want him. and i want to go there. i want to go there. and i want him. but i can't
i i've done enough damage. i can't mess this up. and i just want him to call me and i just want to sleep. i can say i can do anything, i can say i can get anyone and anything but i want him and i didn't want him to leave. i do'nt want him to leave. i don't want him to leave. and i just don't know what i want. is this how it is suppose to end. and he oens't call me back, and i'm upset and i'm crying by myself and it is just me. and i want him next to me.
althea tells me to be crazy. i tell althea that she is crazy. i tell myself to go crazy. i tell myself that i can't. i tell myself i can't because my heart is broken. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|08:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | jewel - you were meant for me | ] |
i'm leaving soon.
in only two months give or take a couple of days. nine months out of my life, it is so little. i'm leaving behind many things and that is fine. i don't know what else to say. i'm just leaving and that is that. i've learned plenty of things , i've fooled myself for a year and i had about three beers total. i missed all of the fights and made some people cry. my father got open heart surgery and i took the red line to see him. i remember when i felt my first pair of nice jeans and slept outside. i remember hotel rooms and popcorn with water. i'm a slacker and i am a shitty apush student. i'm not to great in spanish, but i can swing by with an accent. i've forced myself to cry many times this year and i'm never going to tell the truth to some. well, i'll miss everyone and i will probably see everyone soon. highschool has been steller. |
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| highlights |
[May. 14th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | whitey - wrap it up | ] |
this weekend in keene
pool at 2:30 AM
ellen and hannah and meghane talks
andrea and kaypins
cheese and swedish fish
kings of leon at 2:30
christian sex at 3:00
checkers 3:00
wonderwall
tea and juice 3:00
slava meg juan cigareeta in wooded areas
vincccccennn ponytail and cowboy boots
swimming at 2:00 am?
i miss |
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| cool |
[May. 10th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
this day was going perfectly fun
untill my dad had to be a faggot! |
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| well tommorow |
[May. 9th, 2006|03:57 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | camera obscura - hey lloyd | ] |
tommorow i was born and i keep forgetting
and i kind of don't care
i'm fearing a thousand things. |
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| cool |
[May. 8th, 2006|07:05 pm] |
i love it when some idiot on fotodecadent says i have no artistic taste because i think these photographs are gross..
http://community.livejournal.com/foto_decadent/1243221.html#cutid1
blha blah blah,, maybe there is a meaning like, we are all just animals obsessed with clothing and appearance
or it could mean that a cat with her legs spread isn't freaky but artistic and beautiful
there is a difference between helmut newton and this shock effect shit |
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| what the hell, GEMMA WARD? |
[May. 6th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
i think it is so weird that gemma ward could have the X trisomy syndrome. basically, people with that syndrome usually girls, then they get one extra X chromosone (or maybe more?) and basically become "extra" or "super" women. it is also called the beautiful woman syndrome. so like every womanly/girlish feature is enhanced alot more, except for breasts. women usually have slender chins compared to men, so people with trisomy X have very small chins, wide forehead, and wideset eyes ( i guess the more wideset your eyes are, the more men are physcologically attracted to you, as long as your eyes aren't abnormally far apart). since they are "super women" their legs are alot longer and slimmer than normal and their torsos are slimmer. also their nipples i guess are farther apart. their noses have a slope and very close to the face (flattish). they also have an expressionless face. they have poor muscle tone,inner eye folds and lowset ears. they appear to have very striking features. they can sometimes have poor fine motor skills and can have a low IQ. this is so weird, because it totally applies to Gemma Ward, except the low IQ and poor motor skills (word saids she is very bright). but she fits almost every catagorey.
note her wideset eyes, large forehead, and very very small chin.
notice how flat and sloped her nose is
i should put this under a tag but whatever, her chest is masculine anyway. but look how far apart they are....its abnormal.
SO WEIRD |
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| bleh |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|03:47 pm] |
chanel - this designer should only be noted for their sunglasses, or their logo quilted bags. nothing else. that is where the heart of chanel is, in their ever so chic oversized sunglasses. well, i guess if you wear them, then you are automatically superrich and superfine. same with their bags, if i see you sporting a chanel bag with white skintight pants sans pockets, consider yourself spectacular.
balenciaga - well, it isn't like they haven't done anything else, so lets just note them for the balenciaga motorcycle bag. this designer is somewhat unknown, so if you mention balenciaga in any context then i'll consider you intelligent |
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| in the end |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|10:45 pm] |
in the end
you are a shitty person
when it comes down to it
but we ignore it anyway for temporary fun |
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| .. |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|10:23 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | levy - rotten love | ] |
things are going by too fast |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|05:08 pm] |
i'm listening to lisa loeb on a rainy day. i try to put myself in her shoes, but god they are ugly.
i'll attempt to put myself in my mom's though, ungaro. but my feet are too big. |
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| adlfja! |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|03:12 pm] |
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blah, i';ve never been so tired. last night i went to bed at 10 15 woke up at 6 15. i woke up exhausted. i stayed home today. i came home from the doctors and slept a good 3 hours? how come i'm so tired, i go to bed when i'm suppose to. there is no food. |
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| lj |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|07:18 pm] |
i miss lj alot.
i'm going to start taking pictures of places i go and things i see.
i'm going to make a new livejournal actually |
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| Yarggle |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|10:22 pm] |
Comment then Added
 |
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| shoe |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|10:31 pm] |
natasha poly lost her shoe on the Victoria's Secret runway on national television infront of trillions of people
that sucks |
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| alkjf! |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|04:19 pm] |
ok so you can't be mad at someone who doesn't know any better or is just plain clueless
errrm. |
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| haha |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
haha bitches.
i just saw anna wintour on MTV
she and lc met
these are the two people that ruin the world! |
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| hey |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|12:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | air- playground love | ] |
mmmm school is going well even though i'd rather not go. that girl bothers me so much, and i think i know why. she has known me, she knows what "bothered" me, and if she wants she can kill me with it. i need to stop caring, it sounds like i do alot, and i shouldn't for obvious reasons. she is nothing. i'm never going to see her again, i should stop caring about her. besides she wears ugly sandals..that saids it all. i miss summer lots though
-tegan and sara
-all nighters
-outside at night in underwear
-wearing the same clothes everyday
-more tegan and sara
-the bd and the fb
-george michael
-staying out forever
it isn't so bad here i guess. i'm trying to get over that i'll be spending just as much time here as anyone else. i'm tired of being negative and dumb. its annoying though. i thought i could cut infront of the line to get out of here, now i'm just at the back of it with everyone else. |
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| hi |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|04:24 pm] |
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you.
p.s. extra points for juicy memories |
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| heyyy thurrr |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|10:11 pm] |
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so. i don't like work. i miss my friend emily who is at brandeis right now having the time of her life. friday nights are so boring now unless kyle is there. this is so dumb. psats tommorow at 740. ugh dumb. i miss kyle. by the way. i'm making sure november 4th is off for work. i'm going to find someone now within the next week. yup.....i hate working fridays. |
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| wooooooo |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|11:44 pm] |
i guess i'm kind of woooo
i'm happy
thank you elena
i love you dearly
yay. i'm glad. |
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| second post of the day? i think so |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|09:31 pm] |
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I hate the media. I hate Kate Moss. I hate knowing this is the end. I believe this is the end of Kate. This isn't the early 90's where it wasn't accepted to smoke coke pubically, but it wasn't rejected in other words, it wasn't taboo. In this age, models are supposed to look wholesome and fuller. This is so stupid. This is the end of Kate. She knows it. I truthfully believe that she will not jump this hurdle, she has already been dropped by 3 campaigns, and it had hit the US today. It is terrible how the papparazzi think for themselves. It disgusts me how they went about it. They have just ruined someone's life to prosper their own selfish needs. I hate it. This happened for a reason though. I believe it happened for a reason, no matter how retarded it sounds.It happened to show girls that love her like Clementine, Emma and I, that she isn't always the "perfect rolemodel" like we thought she was, or at least I did, eventually dating rockstars and endless flings gets old, it has shown people how drugs are actually unglamorous, and most importantly, it showed Kate herself that she needs to leave her 19 year old self behind, that she needs to grow up, she isn't just hurting herself but hurting the people around her, exspecially her daughter. Hopefully she can get her self together |
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| hella |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | kings of leon or petahhh | ] |
cool bitches.
i hate history.
what do i need
jeans
citizens of humanity?
seven for all mankind?
shirts
longsleeve
zip up sweatshirt
marc boots ohhh i wish i wish
underwear is a must
i hate schoooo
i speak ebonics
mmm i smell good
mmm i love the sound of pete
i love the sound of kings of leon
i love breakfast in the morning |
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| i stole this from clementine. you all better friggen ask. i'm bored |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|10:13 pm] |
This is the problem with LJ, we all think we are so close, and we know nothing about each other. I'm going to rectify it. I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.
Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.
do it! |
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| Friends Only |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|12:46 pm] |
Friends Only
Comment and we'll see |
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| Matthew Williamson |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|07:46 pm] |
Matthew Williamson Spring 05' RTW
Julia Stegner
Tiiu Kuik
Dewi Driegen
Flowing collection |
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